One of the most unpredictable aspects of getting divorced is the wave of emotions that wash over you from moment to moment and day to day. Ultimately, it boils down to two: fear and love. From fear comes feelings of anger, jealousy, resentment, depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Love can incite a sense of nostalgia, acceptance, longing, sometimes even sadness, memories of connection and intimacy with your soon to be ex. Sometimes divorce can even be seen as a grieving process. Mourning the death of a marriage and family.
These are the 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
From my experience, the hardest of the 5 to embrace and practice is acceptance. I absolutely believe that in order to get to that receptive place of welcoming reality, we have to navigate the other aspects first. Denial, anger, and bargaining trigger the sympathetic nervous system's fight, flight, freeze mechanism.
This state of being disturbs your sleep, appetite, and digestion. It also creates inflammation, which as we all know is the main cause of most diseases. The good news about acceptance is that once you have a taste of getting off the emotional rollercoaster of getting divorced, you want more and can begin to act more skilfully. You can't think your way into right action or thinking, because that's using the problem to solve the problem. If we really want to be in the solution, then the challenge is to act your way into right thinking.
There are countless strategies available to assist in the emotional roller coaster ride that dissolving a marriage can cause. Hydration, nutrition, mind training, movement practices, and relaxation techniques are just the tip of the iceberg. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have done everything differently. We all know that happiness, mental health and our general well being is an inside job. When we know better, but can't or don't do better, it's what my teacher used to call "Spiritual Amnesia"
Here are some tips to help balance those emotions:
Wake up at the same time every day. Drink a glass of water and then get outside and into the sunshine asap. This helps the release of serotonin, the feel good hormone. Plus, the vitamin D helps to strengthen your immune system.
Movement. Move a muscle, and change your perspective. Rarely have you heard someone say; "I regret taking that Yoga class, hike, bike ride, run, pilates class or game of tennis" We all feel better mentally, physically, and especially emotionally when we are active.
Mindfulness Practices. Breathing techniques, Yoga, Tai Chi, Meditation, journaling or conscious eating. Basically anything that helps bring you into the here and now. Whatever resonates and brings about an awareness of the present moment. Try standing still with your eyes open. Become aware of what is in front, behind, above, below, inside, and outside of you. Then close your eyes and simply count 10 breaths; inhale/exhale 1........
Relationships. We can't go through this alone. Remember it takes a village, so seek out your tribe. Find one person in your life that you can be completely honest with and share your feelings. When we share our pain and suffering, we cut in half. And then, when we share our joy, you double it.
Gratitude. It might sound cliche or California woo-woo, but the greatest antidote to resentment or anger is gratitude. This was a game changer for me and something I continue to do daily. Write a gratitude list at the end of your day.
Surely you can come up with 5 things you were grateful for. The more specific, the better.
Remember, navigating emotions related to divorce is a process. Be patient with yourself and don't hesitate to seek support when needed. You're not alone on this journey. I'm here to support you every step of the way. Book a complimentary call with me lilia@divorcedoula.solutions
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