Whether it's a recent break-up, separation or divorce, let's talk about how to date again after many moons of being a "we." Yep, I am talking about dating after divorce. Splitting up after a long term commitment is a dizzying, and challenging experience. Many of us turn to rebounding to feel better. It's painful seeing a partner date, while you're picking up the pieces of what was a marriage and a family. I understand this, I really do.
Here's some advice from a divorced woman who's been where you are right now. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places, trying to self sooth, and grasping outside of you for that loving feeling.
At our fingertips, we have plenty of ways to act out such as dating apps, retail therapy, emotional eating, going to bars, meaningless dates, and on and on. This kind of self-soothing can end up making you feel even worse. I really understand and know how tempting it can be to finally get to swipe, buy those outrageously expensive shoes, and drink to hide the pain. Indulging in escapes can be extremely tempting, because it quells the heartbreak. Unfortunately, they are just temporary fixes.
After my marital split, I got to swipe for the first time. In an effort to protect my heart, I adopted the zero date philosophy. That's when you meet someone for the first time and then you never see them again. So, because there is no follow up it's as if it never happened at all. Hence, the zero date theory. Hey, no harm, no foul.
As newly separated women, we become easy prey for narcissists. Those are the types that completely "love bomb" you with future plans, gifts, regular check-ins with emojis and flattery. Then, when it doesn't work for them anymore, they turn into ghosts. Being freshly broken and newly on the dating scene, you are an easy target. Protect yourself.
I mean, you can fall in love. It can work out. You match, text, talk on the phone, zoom, meet in person and live happily ever after. Let's face it, that's the best case scenario and the absolute exception to the rule.
Most dating apps are brimming with liars, cheaters and scammers, so beware of the false motives of others. I recall an experience on an app that rhymes with swindler. This seemingly tall, dark and handsome dude temporarily stole my heart. I almost fell for it, until he would not Facetime or meet in person. Everything about him was fake. Someone else's pictures, home, son, occupation, dog, family, and even where he lived. His online profile looked legitimate. Our conversations were flowing and intriguing. He allegedly was headed to South Africa with his 10 year old son Jimmy. I knew something was up when he called from the airport and said that they lost his luggage and could I wire him money. Mind you, this was when Covid first hit and there was no international travel. I was really good at turning red flags green back then. I recall sitting in a room full of people and we uploaded his picture to some app and realized he doesn't even exist. I said I was going to report him to the police and that was the last I heard from the
South African, architect that lived in Calabasas with a pool, a labradoodle and a deceased wife. I knew deep down that it was too good to be true.
Like I said, we are vulnerable when we're newly out of a marriage, and very easy prey, so beware my friend.
Fortunately, those crazy dating frenzy days are behind me. I have found love again, and it's been so amazing. This new relationship has been fulfilling, rewarding, and satisfying. I get to spend time with someone that enjoys doing the same things I do. We have like minded taste in food, movies, music, exercise, values, and the pursuit of happiness through living a spiritual life. I found a person that I know I can't live without and I can completely trust. This special someone will always have my back, no matter what. This unique being knows exactly what turns me on and off and is not afraid of intimacy or being vulnerable. They resonate with my energy, personality, and quirky sense of humor.
When I realized that I wasn't willing to compromise on all of these important areas of life, I DECIDED TO DATE MYSELF! Why was I crushing and pining for someone to magically come along and sweep me up off my feet, when I can chill out in sweats, sneakers, and hoodie and take myself to the movies, theatre or a concert. Plus, no need to share popcorn, because I can have it all to myself. The new funky restaurant that just opened and everyone is raving about; "table for one please!"
Honestly I think Miley Cyrus said it best;
" I can buy myself flowers. Write my name in the sand.
Talk to myself for hours and say things you don't understand.
I can take myself dancing, and I can hold my own hand.
I CAN LOVE ME BETTER THAN YOU CAN! "
I want you to love YOU too! Learn to fall in love with yourself, and take care of you. If you'd like to book your first intro call, email me lilia@divorcedoula.solutions and let me hold your hand through this challenging time. You got this!