If you love music like I do, you’ve listened to countless songs about lost love and breakups. I find that it helps me to feel my feelings even deeper by putting on a good breakup playlist and letting the feels come on through.
As a younger person, I didn’t really get a lot of the lyrics of my favorite songs. Before I experienced heartbreak for myself, lyrics held no meaning or resonance other than words strung together that must have been meant for someone else.
Oh that achy breaky heart, falling into pieces on the floor. Just cuz we feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there. I don’t know why we break so hard. Leave me at the altar, knowing all the things you just escaped. You got me crying, as was your plan. Our love ain’t water under the bridge. And gone are the days when my heavy heart is worn on my sleeve.
^^^ that was a whole bunch of heartbreak lyrics smooshed together.
So your heart is in a million pieces on the floor, and you’re trying to figure out what to do with all those broken bits. Let me help.
If you’re in the throes of the breakup experience, you are experiencing the ending or the death of your relationship. This all varies on the theme of something called GRIEF.
You’ve probably heard of the 5 main categories of the grieving process? Back in 1969, a female psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book about this and described each phase in great detail. I’m confident you’ve heard this before. Granted she was initially referring to the process of death and dying, but isn’t the ending of a relationship like a little mini death?
The 5 Stages of Grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
For some, this is a linear journey, but for people going through a breakup, it could be completely out of order. Breakups are messy, and your process may feel very much as though someone has died. In a way, a version of you has died. Your relationship has died. The life you knew before has ended horribly.
No matter how you experience these emotions, acceptance is the key to closure. It doesn’t come quickly or easily. It takes work, letting go, releasing, and deep understanding to get to that place.
When people break up, they can experience a major resistance or denial towards what’s happening. This manifests in the heart, body, and mind as tension, disbelief, and possibly even throws you into your sympathetic nervous system. Otherwise known as fight, flight & freeze. Or as I like to call it, F.E.A.R. (F/ck Everything and Run). When we cannot fully accept or believe that something has ended or is gone forever, it is normal to have a tendency to push back. When anger arises, there is a quality of impatience and an attachment to being right. How could this have happened? I didn’t cause it. I cannot control it. I certainly don’t deserve it. The trap is many of us think we can micro-manage the breaking up experience. The bargaining around grief is super curious. It can look like wanting clarity around what’s mine vs. what’s yours. Some people go so far as to even make lists of what’s theirs or at least what objects they want to take with them after the split.
Situational depression is probably the darkest emotion that comes up for people in the midst of a break-up, separation, divorce, or death of a loved one. It’s been referred to as anger turned inward. What if you looked at grief as nothing other than lost love with nowhere to land? The final phase or direction we are all headed in this long journey is full-on acceptance. There is a reason it comes last…...because it is undoubtedly the hardest.
Remember the Tinman from The Wizard of Oz? He thought he didn’t have a heart. Then through his long journey to see the Wizard he realized he had what he thought he lacked all along. The same was true for Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. It’s an inside job and ALL IS WITHIN!
Pick Up Those Broken Pieces of Your Heart:
There are so many ways to pick up those fragments and begin to heal a broken heart. Sometimes it’s just one day, breath, brick, or moment at a time. You simply cannot rush the healing process. As difficult as it might sound, the best place to begin is turning the focus back on yourself and practicing radical self-care.
Start with what you have and where you are. Action is key. Remember, it speaks louder than words. The ego likes to stay the same, but the soul loves change and movement. Here are a few top tips for turning up the volume on taking better care of yourself during a breakup.
Surround yourself with friends and family
Explore various therapies; talk, movement, art, sound bodywork
Drink more water because stress can be extremely dehydrating
Nature, nurture, and nourish
Learn to date yourself
Explore a new hobby
Help someone else who is struggling
And Remember the Tinman! He had a heart all along!
Ready to pick up the pieces of your broken heart? I'm here to help. Let's schedule a complimentary consultation and talk about where you are, where you see yourself in the future, and how I can support you on your healing journey lilia@divorcedoula.solutions.