When Married Life Shifts During marriage, finances often flow naturally. Joint accounts, shared responsibilities, and mutual trust create what I call the "blissful we." One partner manages daily household operations - groceries, children's schedules, medical appointments - while the other handles larger financial obligations like mortgages, investments, and insurance.
Then divorce arrives, transforming that "blissful we" into what can feel like a "shamefully terrified me." Suddenly, what was partnership becomes what one client accurately described as a "fire sale" of assets.
Understanding In-Spouse vs. Out-Spouse The "in-spouse" holds knowledge of:
Complete financial portfolio
Investment accounts
Property holdings
Retirement funds
College savings plans
The "out-spouse" (often women) typically:
Manages household/children
Works 24/7 without compensation
Sacrifices career development
Lacks financial information
Faces vulnerability during divorce
Real World Example: When one client suggested getting lawyers instead of mediation, her husband responded: "Why would I want to pay someone to take my money away from me?" This illustrates the power dynamic out-spouses often face.
Warning Signs:
Hidden assets
Misappropriated funds
Sudden account changes
Communication breakdown
Financial transparency issues
The Reality Check Fantasy is what we think we want, but reality is what we need. As your Divorce Doula, I've learned that ignorance isn't bliss - it's vulnerability. If you're the out-spouse, remember to forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now.
Moving Forward As Pema Chodron wisely says, "Start Where You Are." Whether you're the in-spouse or out-spouse, understanding your current position is crucial for financial empowerment.
Get my complimentary download 30 Mantras: 30 Days of Healing. Need support navigating finances during divorce? Let's connect and create your path forward.
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