In the wake of a breakup, it is easy to fly off the handle and use unskillful language with your partner. Communication is the key to all healthy and successful relationships. This is even more true when it comes to dissolving one.
Let me offer some techniques so that you can say what you mean, without being mean.
Here are four considerations; Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. Use these ideas to say what you need to say in a way that you will be truly heard.
OBSERVATIONS
Be cognizant of what you are noticing in any given situation. Ask yourself, what’s happening, and is it enriching or detracting from your life? The real trick here is to simply notice, without evaluation or judgment. And certainly without blame or shame. This is where the practice of mindfulness comes into play.
FEELINGS
They are just another way of expressing emotions. There are four main types of feelings:
Happy
Sad
Angry
Fearful
During the course of your day, become aware of how you feel. Notice what the weather is like inside the boundary of your skin. Divorces can easily trigger emotional instability. At any given moment you could be vacillating between the four and sometimes not even being able to identify which one you are experiencing. The good news is these feelings are not permanent and can shift from one moment to the next. We just have to remain flexible, fluid, and open. When you are calm, your communications will follow suit. You want to have control of your feelings before you speak to ensure you are the calm one in the midst of the storm.
Another favorite of mine is what I call the 3 A’s. I am referring to Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. An example of this might be; I’m aware that I am hungry. I’m in acceptance of that sensation and now I’m going to eat something. Another and more relevant example might be; I’m aware I am feeling sad and lonely. Now I am in full acceptance that this is what’s happening. Therefore, a good idea would be to call a friend in an effort to change your mood and mind. It’s also a great idea to simply move your body. Take an impromptu walk or put a good song on and start dancing. When you move a muscle, you can change your thoughts and energy. and change a thought. When you feel supported, well-nourished and present, it is much easier to communicate in a way that is constructive and effective.
NEEDS
This is not to be confused with wants, cravings, wishes, or desires. The basic needs in life are things like water, food, shelter, clothing, and human connection.
When we are meeting our basic needs, we can be nurturing in our communications. By being more compassionate and caring, we can bring the conversation to a more peaceful place.
REQUESTS
Notice how different this word lands on you, compared to the harshness of demands or threats.
A perfect example of a request is when we request the attendance of guests at a celebration. In the case of a divorce process, we might request documents, signatures or just to come to a simple agreement.
The entire process of Non-Violent Communication begins with awareness or observation. That in turn, leads to a feeling, which then incites a specific need. Finally, from that need comes a request. If you follow these four steps, you’ll find that you’ll gain the respect that you crave, and be heard the way you need to in your future negotiations.
Let me know if you’re interested in learning more about Non-Violent Communication. Connect with me lilia@divorcedoula.solutions to learn about how I can coach you through some tough conversations ahead in your divorce journey.